Navigating Love and Dating Apps

All about apps

With over 350 million users worldwide, dating apps have become a leading way for people to engage in romantic endeavours. These apps allow users to filter for what they’re looking for in a partner, including someone’s age, gender, sexual orientation, desired level of commitment and monogamy, and how close they live to your area. Some apps, like Bumble or Hinge, are designed for finding serious relationships, while others, like Feeld or Grindr, are aimed toward more casual or non-traditional hookups.

Widening the pool

“One of the biggest benefits of using dating apps is that they bring you into contact with people you wouldn’t have met in real life,” says Luke.

According to Stephanie Davis, registered clinical counsellor and certified organizational coach, apps can also have the opposite effect. “They can put people in our peripheral circles right under our noses, when we may have missed each other otherwise,” she says.

Whether you’re new to dating, have just gotten out of a long-term relationship, or simply want to broaden your horizons, dating apps are an effective way to test the waters. Nora (name changed to protect identity) says that dating apps have allowed her to open up in ways she wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing in real life.

“I took a long hiatus from dating, and I wouldn’t have been able to just go to a bar and start talking to someone,” she says. On dating apps, she can explore how she likes to flirt and engage with others, while still feeling like she’s in a safe space.

Dating apps have also been a lifeline for queer people in some parts of the world where places for them to meet others in real life may be limited or unsafe. Davis says that they are also helping to expose people to new and different possibilities for partnership, sexuality, and sexual expression.

Bad behaviour

While apps have brought users like Nora and Luke into contact with a wider range of people, people’s experiences aren’t always rosy. “The downside is that as we move further away from being linked by mutual acquaintances, friends, or work, we’re creating relationships with weak holds that are easier to back out of,” Luke says.

Sometimes, backing out of these relationships can take the form of “ghosting”—a term used to describe simply ceasing to talk to, or meet with, someone without providing any further explanation.

While ghosting can hurt, for Nora, it’s important for her not to harbour any hard feelings if neither party has invested in the relationship. “When you start using dating apps, you should go into it with the idea that nothing that happens on a dating app should affect you until you meet the person in real life,” she says. “We just show up there as avatars.”

Another issue involving dating apps is racism—some apps even make it possible to filter people out based on ethnicity. Meanwhile, Jake (name changed to protect identity) says that on hookup-focused queer dating apps like Grindr, it’s common to receive unsolicited and/or unwanted intimate photos.

Setting boundaries

Digital media and dating apps raise important questions about boundaries with each other—and ourselves.

Jake sometimes finds himself opening apps when he’s looking for external validation. “If I’m feeling a bit down, sometimes I’ll go and change my app picture, enjoy some attention and pointless chats, or even engage in compulsive hookups,” he says. Research suggests that he isn’t alone in seeking a boost in this way; a study of online dating app users found that notifications on the apps led to a temporary increase in their mood and self-esteem.

Davis, the clinical counsellor, says that Luke’s challenge of finding someone in NYC where there were so many relevant connections to match with is common. “I think our propensity for always looking for the next best thing in combination with our desire for instant gratification makes online dating a real challenge,” she says. “I see this a lot and have even experienced it myself.”

If you’re struggling to contain the urge to swipe, Davis recommends taking a break from meeting people online and giving the person you’re with some grace. “Everyone you meet will have flaws,” she says.

“Coming at online dating from a place of acceptance toward others’ differences and an openness to learning about people before judging them is hard, but it also helps us to not pass up on great people.”

This article was originally published in the February 2025 issue of alive magazine.