I finally left my terrible wife. I’m not sure how to warn women that I’m damaged goods.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 50-year-old male who is currently divorcing my wife of almost 20 years. The marriage was emotionally abusive (to me) for at least the last 10 years or so with sex being used more as a method of control and manipulation than anything else. I now find myself single and excited to find and connect with someone sexually only to discover that I may be damaged goods.

It now seems like it takes a lot longer for me to get an erection. I’m not sure when it’s expected to get physically aroused, but in the old days, I would be ready with just some kissing and before any clothes come off. Now, I have to get deep into foreplay before my guy comes out to play and it seems to put women off. I’ve been doing reverse Kegels, sensate focus exercises, mindful masturbation, etc. to address the issue. Now, even though I feel like I could put holes in walls with the erections I get, they don’t appear to be showing up any sooner to the party. It kind of feels like my penis isn’t really tied to my brain. I don’t know what a normal expectation would be for when a guy “should” get hard in the process and am not sure how to address it in advance so as to avoid the awkwardness.

There doesn’t seem to be any indication that its a physical problem as I often wake up with erections and in other contexts, I get them fairly easily, but it usually does require some amount of direct stimulation. Is this just about being middle aged and I need to adjust my (and women’s) expectations? Are there other avenues to pursue that may help? Is there a good script to explain that it may take some time, but it will be well worth it? I currently feel paralyzed about pursuing anything because I don’t want to disappoint.

—No Longer a Jack in the Box

Dear Jack in the Box,

While there absolutely are women in the world who, even with the experience and wisdom that comes from being in your age range, will have certain unreasonable expectations around your erection, most will be understanding. They’ll also want you to be understanding of their own bodies, capacities, and needs.

It might help to know that arousal non-concordance—when your brain and your genitals are on two different pages—is a well-documented phenomenon. We usually talk about it in the context of women, but it can be pretty prevalent in men as well. One 2010 study exploring the phenomenon featured reports from men much like you, who were feeling aroused but didn’t get erections. All that said, if you haven’t already, it could be a good idea to check in with your doctor or a urologist about it. You want to be sure there are no underlying issues—and they might walk you through some options for medications you might try.

For now, the best thing you can do is take the pressure off of yourself, and I agree that being clear with partners about what they can expect tends to help with that. You’ll want to be succinct, use phrasing that feels comfortable for you, and focus on the present. This might look something like, “It usually takes a while for my body to catch up with my arousal, and I need [whatever form of direct stimulation works best for you] to get going.”

Dear How to Do It,

I’ve been with my husband for almost 30 years. Three years after marrying, we decided to get pregnant. When the time was right, my husband always put sex off until the next day (or never). We don’t have children. About a year after that, I discovered a CD collection that was entirely filled with porn he’d downloaded from other people’s shared drives and which he’d stored among my belongings. The common theme in the porn was sex for the man’s pleasure, no foreplay depicted, and a woman caterwauling in ecstasy though absolutely nothing had been done for her pleasure. We argued about the porn for a long while since it really bothered me, but he would just take further steps to hide it and had choice words for me. I tried competing by recreating some of things I’d seen but he wasn’t into it. Over the years, I’ve let the porn go because it was messing with my mental health, but I still feel hurt. I have no idea what he’s into anymore.

What I saw in the porn then was my husband’s approach to sex: no kissing, touching, or lube, just straight to penetration. When I’ve asked for foreplay, he’s said that is my responsibility. When I’ve asked for specific things such as oral, he has declined. He also doesn’t allow me to touch his penis manually or orally. We only do missionary because neither enjoys the other’s preferred position. He has stated that lube or cervical fluid are a deterrent for him. He rarely finishes and neither do I. I don’t know how to talk to my husband about the problem since he stonewalls or deflects on sex and relationship issues. He’s not open to therapy. How would I even broach the topic of frequency, quality, or why he doesn’t finish, and not be accused of complaining? Is there a lubricant that works for me but is not detectable for him? Over the years, he has also made about a half dozen negative comments about my body, about half of which are specific to my reproductive parts. It’s a mood killer.

I’d given up years ago, but my sex drive was reawakened by another man a few years back. Ethics aside, I met with the man only to discover that I’m now terrified of sex, so there was no follow through. My husband caught wind and was very angry, and forbade me to interact with the man again. So my husband would not open our marriage. But thinking about a future that looks the same as the last 20-plus years is so depressing. How do I fix this?

—Fix This

Dear Fix This,

I’m not sure you do fix this, as long as fixing it means making your relationship with your husband into one that includes open communication, trust, and, well, lubricant. You’ve tried every reasonable suggestion for these issues, and are searching for the impossible now (such as lube that your husband won’t feel). It seems like the time for practical solutions is up.

Why do you stay with him? What are the reasons behind the way you’ve tolerated this situation for nearly three decades? What do you gain from the relationship? And is any of that worth continuing? Take these questions seriously, and sit with them. Whether you decide to stay or go, individual therapy and masturbation are options that don’t require your husband’s buy-in. Good luck.

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Dear How to Do It,

I’d love some tips for accessing lube in the heat of the moment. In the past three to four years, I (cis woman) need to use lube pretty much every time my husband and I have sex. I am extremely attracted to my husband and initiate more often than he does, but for some reason, my body is not keeping up, and I usually only get wet if I “pre-game” masturbate and orgasm a few times or if we are doing something novel (like sex with a third). For the record, my husband is great in bed and gives me better orgasms than even I can give myself, but just one doesn’t make me wet and we need lube for him to get me off with his fingers anyway. But it’s so inconvenient to access in the moment!

First, I bought a bottle with a pump to put the lube in, thinking that’d be easier than having to use two hands for a squeeze bottle (squirting with one hand into my other for application). But my bedside table was too high for me to get the right angle. So I bought a lower one, but I’m still struggling to get it. Plus, my husband and I often have sex in the middle of the night when he wakes up, so there I am groping around in the dark trying to find a bottle that feels super far away and hoping I don’t knock it to the floor and break it. Any suggestions?

—Let There Be Lube

Dear Let There Be Lube,

I’m not sure why you’re using a breakable bottle. Plastic seems much more practical. If you’re really attached to the breakable one, a less-than-aesthetic but highly functional move is to wrap it in something protective like bubble wrap.

At the end of the day, though, I think you’re chasing an ideal of seamless sex when the reality is much more bumpy. Sometimes people get the idea from romance novels, porn, and other places that sex should be uninterrupted and flawless. But sex in real life is usually a little awkward. There’s a human element that isn’t often included in the fantasy you might watch in a rom-com or read in erotica. It’s totally fine to fumble for the lube bottle.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 30-year-old straight woman, and I’ve had a lot of sexual rejection from men. It’s kind of messing with my head. I was a late bloomer and had my first intimate experience in college and he rejected me. He later said he just didn’t like my body. The next two guys I was with would make out but didn’t want to have sex. Then my next two short-term boyfriends had religious limitations. More similar stories! Lately, guys will sleep with me once, don’t seem to enjoy it that much, and then ghost me. I’ve developed such a complex about this. I’m not that pretty. I wonder if my uncomfortableness shows through. Do I maybe seem clingy? So hard to know. Help! I just want to have a fun sex life and then eventually settle down with someone. How do I change this?

—Please, Someone Sleep With Me!

Dear Someone Sleep With Me,

You’ve had a pretty significant run of bad luck here. However, some of the situations you mention—specifically the two guys with religious limitations—don’t necessarily have anything to do with you. This doesn’t mean it hurts any less to face repeated rejection. Some sexuality professionals go so far as to describe rejection as a kind of trauma. And, regardless, a steady streak of it is a lot to push through.

As hard as it is for you to evaluate yourself, it’s impossible for me to tell you whether you seem clingy or uncomfortable based on a short letter. Ask your friends how you come across to people. Consider taking up something like improv comedy or stand-up—once you’ve been in an exceptionally uncomfortable situation like that kind of performance, it really does get easier to handle day-to-day situations like dates. Another option is a flirting coach or a surrogate who can go on mock dates with you and give you feedback about how you’re likely to be perceived. Ultimately, you’re going to want to build your self-confidence back up. OK, so you don’t feel like you’re pretty. Life and attraction are about more than looks. What else do you bring to the table? And how can you highlight the aspects of yourself that you do feel good about?

Meanwhile, when you’re having sex with someone who doesn’t seem like they’re enjoying themselves, there’s an opportunity to stop and talk about it. Check-in with yourself first—your pleasure is just as important as theirs. Then check in with them: Is there something the two of you can do differently? Are you both just feeling off? Maybe they’ll be able to give you some constructive feedback (if they say something hurtful like that first boyfriend, that’s your cue to leave) and leave you with answers to your questions.

—Jessica

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