By otakuyassine3@gmail.com 
How do you greet your colleagues each morning? A passive-aggressive eyebrow raise, when they rush in two minutes late, citing train problems? An effusive “how are we all?” An over-the-top “Happy [insert day here]”? Or perhaps you ice them out completely, acting as if they don’t exist.
If you’re swaying towards the latter option, you might want to rethink your attitude to corporate pleasantries. Earlier this week, it was revealed that a recruitment manager had won an unfair dismissal claim after she complained that a managing director had refused to say hello to her not once, but three times. The employment judge ruled that this behaviour was “unreasonable”, and was “calculated or likely to undermine trust and confidence”.
While saying hello to someone is surely just human decency, and the bare minimum you’d expect from a colleague, modern office etiquette can be a minefield. How much chatter is friendly, and how much is oversharing? When, if ever, is it OK to follow your co-worker on Instagram? And is it unreasonable to get annoyed by that one teammate’s really loud voice? To help you navigate this murky territory, these are our workplace dos and don’ts.
Do think before you ‘reply all’
There are few scenarios more cringe-inducing than receiving an all-company email, firing off a reply, then realising five seconds later that you’ve sent your pointed suggestions for HR or your niche dietary requirements for the office meal to the entire business. Including the outposts in New York and Tokyo. Even when the message itself is pretty innocuous, it can still be embarrassing: one of my former colleagues was left red-faced after sending a lovely, gushing tribute to a co-worker in response to their leaving announcement. Always double check your recipients – if you’re sending something out to “allcompany@business.com”, that’s a red flag.
Don’t stare at your colleague’s screen
Yes, humans are fundamentally curious (read: nosy), so when you head over to your colleague’s desk to ask them what their garbled email actually meant, it’s only natural to end up accidentally eyeballing whatever they’re doing on their computer screen. But don’t keep your gaze there for too long. The chances are that they probably just wanted to Google what a long word or weird bit of industry jargon actually means, or they’re trying to keep their spot in a Ticketmaster queue. We’ve all been there, so give them a bit of grace.
Do keep your desk tidy
As the former curator of one of the messiest desks in Britain, I beg forgiveness. When I was a junior staffer working on magazines, I used to constantly receive a weird array of items from publicists, such as monogrammed floppy hats (it was 2014, and stamping initials on things was the height of chic), Star Wars lightsabres and celebrity perfumes. The cumulative result? My work space became a horror show that would cause Marie Kondo to faint on sight. As a reformed character, I can see that this was surely incredibly irritating for my long-suffering colleagues. No one wants to have their line of sight impeded by a barricade of eyeshadow palettes. When it comes to our desks, less is definitely more.
Don’t choose the most pungent lunch option possible
Fish in the office? Your mackerel or smoked salmon may be packed with protein and B vitamins, but it’s also the ultimate faux pas, guaranteed to launch a flurry of passive aggressive Post-Its in the communal kitchen. And bear in mind that the hot lunch you’ve just picked up to eat at your desk will probably dominate the entire floor’s scent profile for the next couple of hours (base notes of katsu curry, anyone?) Choose something unobtrusive instead (even if it’s a bit less delicious).
Do keep your voice down when you’re making a phone call
There’s something about being on the phone that can make even the softest voiced among us start amping up the volume. Perhaps it’s because phone signal just seems to be really, really bad everywhere these days, so you never quite know whether the person on the other end has any idea what you’re saying. Or perhaps, especially within an office context, it’s a power move, signalling to everyone else that you’re very busy and important, thank you very much. Either way, if you know you’re inclined to speak up when you’re taking a call, just step into the corridor. Your colleagues will thank you (because, let’s face it, they really don’t need to hear your post-meeting debrief, or learn why you won’t be able to do school pick-up later). And just in case you needed reminding, it’s never OK to take a call on speakerphone in the middle of the office. You are not an Apprentice contestant having a fraught debrief in the back of an SUV.
Don’t send a ‘can we have a quick chat’ message with no context
The six most terrifying words in the English language are, indisputably, “can we have a quick chat?” See them crop up in your email inbox or in a Slack message and your mind immediately starts running at a mile a minute, working overtime to come up with the most dramatic and personally damning reason why your boss might want to talk to you: Was your temporary brain freeze during that presentation as bad as you thought? Has everyone finally realised that you are, in fact, the worst person who ever existed? Of course, the actual reason tends to be something deeply mundane, like a bit of admin that needs to be ticked off or a change in line managers. Or maybe they just want to ask you how you’re doing. So, to avoid this spiral, let’s all agree to include a bit of context in these requests going forward. No one wants an existential crisis at 9.17am on a Tuesday morning.
Do change out of your workout gear before you arrive
We get it. You cycle to the office. Or you hit up Barry’s Bootcamp when most of us are still bleary-eyed and pressing snooze. Maybe you’ve got really, really into reformer pilates recently. Your cardiovascular health must be absolutely staggering. But that doesn’t mean we want to see you traipsing around the office in your leggings and fancy Hoka trainers. It’s a boundary we just don’t want to over step – and is it really hygienic?
Don’t ambush your colleague when they’re obviously busy
There are few sensations worse than knuckling down to meet a big deadline, only for that incredibly long-winded co-worker to materialise at your elbow and ask to “just pick your brains for a moment” about something that’s happening in 2026. Or perhaps you’re rushing to your fifth back-to-back meeting of the day, then bump into someone in the corridor, who then proceeds to dump a whole heap of new responsibilities on you. If someone looks busy and stressed, they probably are both busy and stressed, and now is not the time to bombard them with yet more work.
Do give your colleagues space when they’re leaving the office
You’re hotfooting it out of the revolving doors at the end of the day, ready to relax your face from its mask of corporate cheer, and then you hear a familiar voice. “Oh, are you heading to the station?” they ask. “I’ll join you!” Now, instead of listening to the podcast episode you’ve queued up (or just dissociating to the sound of “Mind the gap”), you’re facing half an hour of low-level chit chat with someone you vaguely know from marketing. If you’re actually close colleagues, then yes, the journey home can be an opportunity to have a proper debrief (once you’ve checked who else is in the carriage, of course), but when it’s a peripheral co-worker, the kindest thing for all involved is to just hang back, put your head down and wait for the next train.
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