My sister moved in. It’s revealed some weird thoughts my boyfriend has about sex.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My sister had an unexpected divorce and housing is tight. She and her two elementary age kids are living with me until December 1, when her new lease starts.

As far as these situations go, this is as good as possible: She’s a great mom, her kids are doing as well as we could expect, and we set house rules together when they moved in that are going well. The problem is my otherwise wonderful boyfriend. He likes the kids, and gets along well with my sister. Sometimes we all hang out together but I think he and my sister have a clear understanding of giving each other privacy, too.

But he is completely freaked out by the idea of us having sex when there are kids in the house. I’m literally talking about quiet sex with the bedroom door locked, three hours after the kids’ bedtime. He acts like I’m proposing doing a striptease over the breakfast table. We live separately, so I’ve been staying over at his when I can but it’s very far from work for me so only on weekends. He’s been complaining that he’s horny and wants to feel close and have more sex, but has vetoed sex in the place where I have to spend at least four nights a week. I miss more sex too! What should I do here?

—Temporary Host

Jessica Stoya: So I’m going to respond to the immediate problem. But I think there’s a much bigger question they need to address, which is whether the letter writer sees themselves having kids with this guy because that really changes my perspective on the immediate problem.

Rich Juzwiak: Right. Because the problem is a very temporary one anyway unless there are these other implications that would make this a more long-standing issue.

Jessica: Exactly. I don’t know when this letter came in, but it’s the middle of October now. You’re looking at approximately six more weeks, and you can have sex at his place on the weekends. It’s not six more weeks of no sex at all whatsoever. So if we’re just looking at the letter as is, this is no big deal. Wait it out. Everything’s going to be fine.

Rich: Totally. Because ultimately, if somebody feels stressed out by something, that’s just not going to create a horny mood. If you’re having a stress response, you’re less likely to get turned on. That’s just the way it goes. And so you’re not going to will this guy into wanting to have sex, even if the reason he doesn’t want to seems irrational. That’s kind of beside the point. It’s his regulating system that’s keeping him from it. So, I agree. Just roll with it. It’s a few weeks. You’ll get through it.

Jessica: A lot of people have sex a couple of times a week or even less, to add that kind of context. And in this letter are two people who want to have sex more often—good for them. Enjoy it. But it’s not like it’s some sort of starvation diet to only have weekends together.

However, he’s otherwise wonderful. He does well with the kids. He gets along with the writer’s family. And eventually, if people want to have families of their own, they often want to have a kid with a person who is like this boyfriend they are describing. So it’s worth having a conversation if that’s potentially on the table in the future of like, “Hey, what are we going to do if we have kids of our own and we all live in the same house and there’s no weekend apartment?”

Rich: Right. That might mean figuring out strategies to mitigate these feelings, fear, and anxiety he has about doing it, which could include therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, or sex coaching. I think he’d have to put in work to actually try to get over this in a way that in the short term, would just be overkill. If he did this now, he’d still be going through the therapeutic process by the time they leave the house.

Jessica: One of the conversations they should think about having is how much casual sounds of parents making love each of them feels is acceptable for a child to experience. I want to be very clear that there are definitely limits to what children should be exposed to. Nobody’s suggesting an actual strip tease over the breakfast table here. But one of the things that parents, before they become parents, ought to be on the same page about is how to handle the fact that sex may happen in the home when children are present. And how do you handle bodies in general? Is it OK to walk out of the shower in a towel and go to the bedroom and get changed there? Is that not OK? Get on the same page.

Rich: Yes, those are two good areas to think about. In kind of bit of self-identification, I read this as though it were two gay guys. I don’t know why—because the writer’s gender is not named, so we don’t know which is which. And that’s not to say that two gay men can’t have kids. They do all the time. But the future of what childbearing would be for this couple was kind of less at the forefront of my mind. So maybe it’s not even an issue or maybe it’s a straight couple and they still don’t want kids. But I do think it’s really important to consider these things for the future.

Jessica: And to reiterate, in the short term: Just stick it out.

Rich: Stick it out. Or go to a hotel once a week. If you can’t go those five days Monday through Friday without sex, do Wednesday hotel nights.

Jessica: That’s a good idea.

More Advice From Slate

My name is Amanda, I’m 25, and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend (27) since I was 17. So next month is our eighth anniversary. We haven’t really had sex consistently for the past three years. I have really high anxiety and have a hard time getting into the moment, medications haven’t helped this, and I was recently diagnosed with vaginismus which complicates things even more. I just feel like I could never have sex again and be fine, I don’t really get aroused by other people or things either. I am working on my issues with physical therapy, but it’s been slow going. We are planning to move in together this summer, and my boyfriend has expressed that he is hoping living together will be “the best chance” for us to rekindle our sex lives.